Shopping With Solid Snake
by ACID35
Summary: You know Solid Snake do you? Perhaps so, I would wager not. These men we speak of daily, most don't know. The tale I tell you about my experience with these great men may very well have you thinking differently.
1. Chapter 1

- Shopping with Solid Snake -

When I was twenty two, I came to meet the man many have come to call Solid Snake. Now, by this point in his life he had already reached his prime as a combat veteran. Yes I recall it well, his skin had wrinkled, his body looked like an old mans. Though, it is important to remember never to state that to him directly, unless of course you wished to be apprehended to the ground.

But I digress. I came upon meeting Solid Snake through the means of Raiden. For those of you unaware, Raiden is a complete fool. A complete and utter fool. After his success in becoming some sort of robot ninja, Raiden returned to his normal state and began to live at my house. Yes, you heard me correctly. The so called "Hero" lived in my basement. That however, is another story entirely to itself. Raiden and I have shared many adventures… yes… so many.

Anyway, Solid Snake came to visit Raiden in the summer time. Apparently after defeating liquid he had some free time on his hands. By that I mean the man was completely devoid of any work whatsoever. Not saying he was being lazy, no, Solid Snake had deserved rest much earlier than this. He simply was taking some time to himself and apparently during that time he wished to visit Raiden. I heard the door bell to my house ring and answered it promptly.

"Coming." I hummed opening the door happily. Gazing out into the summer afternoon, I saw him. He stared calmly at me, letting out a grumble as he did so. "Solid Snake…" I whispered. What else could I have done? My idol, My hero stood right there before my eyes! So many questions went through my mind, but the main one was what kind of food he liked. I could make him dinner, yes… then he would respect me! A man always respects another man who can make dinner! Wait… or do men respect women who can cook. Hmm, I have pondering to do later, for now let's continue on.

Snake grumbled, "Do I have the right house?" He asked.

"Who… are you looking for?" I replied, hands trembling and nose running.

"Raiden."

"Oh." My prior excitement dissipated at the sound of that fools name. "Yeah, he's downstairs follow me."

I led Snake into my house, closing the outside door behind him. He sported I nice tuxedo, something I never thought I'd see a war veteran like him in. Though I suppose his fighting days were in the past now, at least he had moved on.

Unlike the fool in my basement, Raiden. We walked down the stairs calmly, before reaching the halfway mark Snake had already started to understand his friend was no longer the man he once was.

Raiden had taken the liberty of painting the concrete walls in my basement a horrible purple, bullet holes acted as extra décor to his tacky living corridors. Crayons and teddy bears rested on the stairs, Snake let out grumbles as he stepped over them.

"So, when's the last time you saw Raiden?" I asked Snake.

"About two years ago, after the events with liquid…"

I nodded, "I see… well he's uh… different now."

Another grumble came from Snake. We reached the bottom of the steps. Of course, Raiden was nowhere to be seen. See, whenever someone entered into that basement he would hide, like a chipmunk or squirrel. He had told everyone in my house a code as well, and if you didn't say upon entering the basement - Raiden would open fire.

A few times I had forgotten actually. That was how I received my first bullet wound. The experience was enough to make me remember.

"Orca!" I screamed into the basement.

"Novelty!" Raiden shouted back. If your are perhaps wondering if there was some sort of strange connection to the words Raiden had picked, don't. I picked them for him, at random, because he asked me to. Trust me when I say there was nothing deep about that Raiden fellow, no, nothing deep at all.

With our code words met Raiden rushed out from underneath a box. Snake laughed.

"Still using that old trick huh Raiden?"

Raiden froze when he heard Snake's voice. He looked up slowly, those overly grown blonde bangs of his covering the tops of his eyes. His mouth began to shake, as did his legs and buttocks and eyes and fingers.

"Colonel? Is that you?"

I cleared my throat uncomfortably and looked to Snake.

"Raiden… what's happened to you?" Snake took a step forward, music began playing in the background.

I was still young at this point, and wasn't used to music playing in the background see. But with men like this it's actually quite normal. However, this time it caught me off guard and made me start looking for an mp3 player.

"Colonel, it's… covering me whole…" Raiden whispered as he dropped to the ground. Snake let a grumble and knelt down at his side.

"Raiden, don't you remember me? It's me, Snake… David…"

"No, no! You're dead! DEAD! I saw it, you… you died… in the cut scene… you died!"

"Raiden! Snap out of it!" Snake yelled grabbing Raiden's shoulders.

Raiden shook his head and squealed like a pig, "No! Get away!" He broke free from Snakes grip and army crawled to his cardboard box.

Yes… it was an awkward time, for me mainly. Snake seemed more disappointed then anything else, after all, his good ally was now in complete shambles over who knows what.

A good thirty minutes passed between Raiden and Snake, who dialogued about patriots, nano machines, destiny, the future, and many other things I cannot recall. It sounded profound at the time.

Now, up to this point my story has been nothing more than back water really. I've simply laid the ground work for what is yet to come.

However my time with you has come to an end for now, so we will save the greatest part of my story for next time. So until then, tootles.

- Adam Gilbert


	2. Chapter 2

After Raiden had cried in Solid Snake's arms the two came up to my kitchen. There I waited quietly drinking some heated tea. Back in my day heated tea was all the rage, though, I'm not sure what it is you kids drink these days. I remember it being extraordinarily quiet. The only noise that filled the room was Raiden's sniffling and blubbering.

Five minutes passed, what seemed like twenty, then Snake spoke.

"I think… I've come at a bad time. I should get going." He grumbled turning for the exit.

"Just like every time… you're going to leave me in my most dire moment…" Raiden said in between sobs.

"Oh boy…" Snake stopped and cleared his throat. "Look Raiden…"

"What Snake? Am not man enough for you anymore? Do I have to be dying to get your attention? Do I have to be armless?"

"This is getting way to weird for me." Snake said looking at me.

I nodded in response, "Agreed."

"You two… are just like him! Just like the colonel!"

Remember, Raiden had never acted this wildly before. This was the first time I had seen him so off the wall. It concerned me, that perhaps his nano-machines were finally calling it quits. Or maybe he was just having an emotional breakdown, to this day I'm not sure.

"How are we like the colonel Raiden?" I questioned in a monotone voice, checking my voice mail as I did so.

Snake slowly inched his way to front door of my house, Raiden was in too much hysterics to notice. He jumped up onto my dining room table and began to strip.

"Look at me! Look at my body! Its perfect isn't it? ISN'T IT? Just the way you like colonel…" Raiden stared at me intently as he undressed.

"Raiden… you've done some creepy stuff in the past… but this tops the cake."

"Seriously, this is too weird for me. Sorry Raiden, but you're on your own." Snake said as he finally reached the door. I tried to say goodbye to him, but he was already long gone before I could say anything.

Raiden was now completely naked, "You're gonna torture me aren't you? Aren't you? Just like Solidus Snake… well… if I could survive him, I can survive you!" Raiden let out a blood curdling screech and dived off the table.

His quick moves made me jump back. After all, the man was naked. Now, if you recall the title of this story, the main event is actually shopping with Solid Snake himself.

So why do I bring up this peculiar tale about Raiden undressing? My good sir this moment defines the whole story! If Raiden had never attempted to put me in a sleeper hold completely naked, I would've never left my house that day. If I had never left my house that day, I would've never discovered Snake walking home along the street side.

Yes, thanks to Raiden's queer outburst I found myself the opportunity to spend time with Snake. I drove a very small sedan. It wasn't anything special, a four cylinder, tan little car built sometime in the early two thousands. Its detail is important however, so take note of it. I will explain later on.

Anyway, I pulled over to the side of the road and stepped out of my car. Snake looked up from the gravel he was walking on and caught my eyes.

"You." He growled.

"Yeah…" I replied. I did my best to think of something clever to say, really I did, but when standing directly in front of a legendary hero your mind can go blank.

"Did Raiden send you back here to get me? Cause I'm not going back, no way." Snake coughed and pulled a cigarette from his pocket.

I took a deep breath and scratched my head, "No he didn't, just figured you might need a ride somewhere."

Snake a silent for a moment, "I can get around on my own."

"Well, all the same, thought I'd make things a little easier for a hero like you."

"I'm no hero." Snake shook his head, "Never was."

Of course, I should've known the man would say that. Despite his self demoting words, I could tell my compliment got to him. He tossed his cig to the ground and walked over to the passenger side of the car.

"What's your name kid?"

I couldn't believe it, Snake asked for my name. I smiled and spoke, "My name is…"

"Tommy, got it."

My smile dimmed at Snake's words. There was no arguing with the man however, I knew that much. So from this point on my name would be Tommy, at least to Snake.

"I've got some shopping to do Tommy, you mind taking my where I need to go?"

Those were words I never thought I'd hear Snake say. Shopping, it just didn't fit his persona. Still it was an opportunity to spend time with such a legend, so I agreed.

"Absolutely, where am I taking you?" I asked walking to the driver's seat. Snake didn't reply, he actually didn't reply till I had spent twenty minutes driving without directions. When we passed a best buy he finally spoke.

"This is good stop here."

"We're going into best buy?" I asked him curiously.

"Why not? It is the best buy…"

"They don't… mean that literally Snake."

"What do you mean?" Snake looked at me with innocent eyes, and I realized then that Snake was actually extraordinarily uneducated in the ways of everyday living. Imagine that, a superior war solider, completely lost in the world of the everyday American. Perhaps that's for the best however, as it created an excellent story for me to tell, at least a mildly strange one. So we parked our little car and walked towards best buy.

Snake seemed slightly impressed, I could tell because he was grumbling a lot more than usual. There wasn't anything special about the best buy really, like every other I've been to.

"Let's talk to the man in charge here, he can help me find what I need…" Snake grumbled as he picked up a PS3 game entitled, Metal Gear Solid 4, His eyes widened when he saw his face on the cover, "What the?"

I took the game from his hand quickly and led him over to one of the employees. "Let's go this way Snake, this guy will help you figure out what you need."

"Is he the man in charge?" Snake asked me curiously.

"I… yes he is." I figured he wouldn't be able to tell the difference, so my worries fleeted quickly. The employee spotted us quickly, and quivering smile formed on his face.

He slithered toward us, his motions fluid and abnormal, "How… can I help you to?" Now this guy had the strangest way of talking. He would flutter his eyes and wiggle his ears while he almost hissed every word he spoke. If I thought the day had been normal, now I knew for sure it wasn't. His actions scared Snake some, who immediately placed his hand inside his tuxedo jacket, I can only guess what weapon he had concealed inside.

"My… friend here needs some help finding things." I said pointing to Snake. He looked to me, I nodded encouragingly.

"I need… some supplies." Snake said.

The employee nodded, I looked at his name tag, it was blank. "I see, looking to build a computer of your own perhaps?"

"No, not at all. Look kid, I need some C4." Snake said cracking his neck.

Both me and the employee stared at him blankly.

"Uh sir… this is Best Buy." The employee answered.

Snake looked at me, then at the employee, "Uh… I see. So you don't have it?"

"No."

"Oh, would that be more of a thing I'd find at Jewel maybe?"

"That's a grocery store sir."

"So, it wouldn't be there either?"

"No." The employee was getting angry by this point. I cleared my throat and placed my hand on Snake's shoulder.

"Come on Snake, let's go."

"I'm not finished shopping!" He snarled. I let him go immediately.

"Ok, so no C4. What about five millimeter bullets?"

The employee let out a low growl, "Get out of my store! This is best buy! BEST BUY!"

"Could I find those at Ace hardware?" Snake asked curiously.

"Out!" The employee shrieked.

At this point security had started to encircle us two. I knew they would simply ask us to leave, Snake however, did not. So as soon as one of the plump guards stepped forward he made the first move, throwing the big boy directly to the ground, all the others soon followed. I eventually was able to explain to Snake that they meant us no harm, and quickly we both left the store quietly.

So, there you have it. This was my first experience with Solid Snake, and I must say it was nothing like I expected. He did ask me a few more questions on our way out of the store about weapons purchasing in America. I told him the only place he'd find weapons would be Bass Pro Shop.

After I'd said that he began to walk away on his own, and I didn't see him for a long time after that. So ends another strange tale of my life. Yes, there's so many I could speak of, this was the first I wished to cover though. Oh, you recall when I told you to remember the color of my car? It wasn't really important, I just wanted you to focus. So, I suppose this concludes our story hour. If you wish to hear more of my tales, I will happily be waiting you on my home page.

Till then – Adam Gilbert


End file.
